Fine, Originally Written 11/13/14, Lost and Re-written 11/14/14

Fine, Originally Written 11/13/14, Lost and Re-written 11/14/14

You said you didn't want me to leave
If I wouldn't be okay alone.
You let it go, when I said "I'll be Fine."
 Only three reasons in my mind allowed me to go.

First.
I could not look you in the eyes as I said it.
Even though, without my glasses, I could not even see your face,
I could feel when our eyes crossed gazes.
Looking down and away, I faked a smile.
"I'll be Fine."
Through both of our teary eyes,
I'm not sure who believed me less.

Though you only knew of those evil two,
I'd given you that night.
not knowing that others waited to grace me
with their evil bite.
so satisfied, you offered no protest as i began
to walk down the stairway that broke behind me as I ran
away from you, so that i could not climb back up again.

Second.
Every breath of air in your room
tasted of memories of lying with you.
Each time your eye searched into me
or each time mine dared gaze upon your sculpted frame,
it only reminded me of what cannot be mine,
for it never was, and never would have been.
I could not bear to spend another moment
in a stranger's home
filled with only ghosts.

It took me all the strength I had to leave
for I had left my Will to Live with you.
Perhaps it was so hard to open your door
because it felt like slamming the gates of heaven shut.
As I turned to watch it close, I swear I saw the rift of hell
open beneath my feet, waiting to consume me when I fell.

Third.
Let it be known:
"I'll be fine" means something else
to someone who has resigned to end themselves.
For that's the sickening dream the poison in their mind has spilled
Where silence replaces static, where the blackest void has filled
what once was life and something almost normal to the world
before their mind unfurled, like a sail
Wishing it didn't need a gust of wind to blow it away.
Fine means peace. Fine means Rest.
Fine means perhaps being perfect enough to fill your mind again.
Fine means giving all of my sadness, all my confusion
to those who still cared.

I told you, "I'll be fine".
I didn't say this so much as a lie to you
as it was an attempt to convince myself.